youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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