If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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