My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
