you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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