Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize