you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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