You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
