Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Randomize
