Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
