I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
