why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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