I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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