this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize