i don't like sucking hair
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
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