so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Randomize