Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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