I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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