You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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