I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think I sprained my soul last night
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize