Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
