guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
