new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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