Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
