Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
