I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
