Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
