you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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