All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
