Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
