1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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