omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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