I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
