I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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