dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
