the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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