Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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