i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
