dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
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