hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
