when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I forgot how hot balto sounded
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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