If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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