Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
