OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
