So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
