Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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