I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
