Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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