I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
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