You smell like stripper and shame
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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