i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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