I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
