I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
