New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
