didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
