**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
