Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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