You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
