After last night, I could never be a politician.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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