I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
